Looking before the leap, Part I

The primary goal of this documentary is for prospective parents to know exactly what unique challenges they face when the decision is made to adopt an older institutionalized child.

Intercountry adoption can be an amazing experience and it is not uncommon for us to see happy and well-adjusted families which have been built in this manner. However, adopting and older and institutionalized child has particular challenges and we begin with the idea of “RESPONSIBILITY AND COMMITMENT” because that is where you need to start as you consider your readiness to adopt. It is important to note that institutionalized children are not typically babies and they are older children who have a set of experiences which shape their world view, their behaviors, and their ability to adapt to a family environment—especially those children who have lived in a traditional child institution setting, often called orphanages.



For the “de-institutionalized child”—that is children joining an adoptive family after living in such a setting,  some families have fantasized ideas about a child being grateful for being rescued. However, many children do not fit this idea and, in fact, they do not want to leave their friends or the only home that they know. Because many people believe that “orphans” are just like other kids but without families, many misconceptions can ‘get in the way’ of being realistic. The idea of “Little Orphan Annie” being loved and cared for in a warm and happy home as the best cure is one that must be discarded and parents need to be prepared to feel unloved, never thanked, work hard and essentially receive no reward other than intrinsic satisfaction for parenting these children.
It is not uncommon for parents to judge their own self-worth as parents based on the behaviors of their children.
Some parents have been known to say “this is not rewarding” or “I get nothing out of parenting him” and “she is supposed to be grateful”—and some have expressed; “We gave her a roof over her head and food to eat—what more does she want?”  Then there are ideas about a child immediately blending and say things like “I thought he would get here and make friends and not be home all the time in my personal space” or “he interferes with my daily routine and he is embarrassing”

Quoting a director of a children's home :
"As the director of a children’s home, there are a number of behaviors that I’ve observed in our home as well as other institutions which are larger. For example,children who have been institutionalized may have behaviors that are called “disinhibited friendliness” which is seen in children who seem almost “over-friendly” or overt in their need for affection.  Often times, this behavior may be charming at first, but when a child goes home to their adoptive family—the behavior can become annoying or even concerning. Imagine, a child who has such open boundaries for giving and receiving affection can be really socially difficult to manage and even akward. You may find yourself, as an adoptive parent, worrying about this child’s safety with strangers. Also, this behavior can be a real challenge for families as children become adolescents and must exercise boundaries in their sexual behaviors."

Other institutionalized behaviors can include “head banging,” “rocking”, and repetitive motion and these behaviors are not only common but they may actually have some underlying biological reasons. Remember, these children often must self-sooth and rocking may be a way to do so—just like a mother would rock an infant.

Families may find some behaviors to be embarrassing, like the lack of table manners. You have to remember, institutionalized children have often been socialized to eat on schedule and even go to the bathroom on schedule without the benefit of “manners.”

Coming up next:
Issues around food and attachment disorder